Chapter One
Do You Want To Fight?

Is fighting a bad thing for relationships? Maybe it is! Maybe it is not! It depends on whether you are fighting for or against your relationship. If you are in a relationship (with Mom, Dad, Husband, Wife, Son, Daughter, Girlfriend, Boyfriend, Boss, etc. You get the picture), and if you are fighting against that relationship... of course, that is a counterproductive way to establishing a good relationship.

On the other hand, if you are not fighting for your relationship, there is a very good chance the other person senses that you are in some way fighting against them as an adversary or perhaps simply a source of stress or discouragement for them.

Are you fighting for your relationships? Are you being a team player and being cooperative to fight for it so that there is unity and harmony in your relationship? Or have you been fighting against them?

Imagine this please. You have never met another person ever in your life. You have grown up for 23 years some place all by yourself. It was a beautiful place. All your needs were met. You had all the food to eat that you wanted. The weather was perfect. There were beautiful tame animals all over that would play with you. You had every luxury imaginable, and no reason to wear clothes because everything was perfect. Everything, that is, except that one little detail. You were the only human there. As far as you knew, you were a one-of-a-kind species.

Then one day, seemingly out of the thin blue air, you saw someone from the opposite sex standing there naked before your eyes for the very first time. That person you saw was perfect down to the last detail. It was the most incredibly shocking and delightful experience of your life.

Now quickly, what would be the very first thing you would say? Have you thought about it yet? What would it be? Maybe, "Wow!" Maybe, "Whoa!" Maybe, "Man-oh-man!" Maybe, "Whoa-man!" Well, I suppose there would be many possible answers. However, there is one thing I can absolutely guarantee you would not say to that person the very first time you met. That would be, "Do you want to fight?"

What nice thing can you say about conflict? It is not nice to have conflict. Conflicts are not fun. Conflicts do not make us feel happy. Conflicts do not bring joy to our hearts. Conflicts do not make us feel at ease with the person whom we are in conflict. What could ever cause the two people in our imaginary tale to choose conflict over happiness? If you are past the age of two, the chance is certain you have had some conflict in your life. Where does conflict come from?

Now, let's fast forward to present day Earth with an estimated population of 6.4 billion people and growing faster by the second. Let's imagine any two people on Earth meeting for the very first time ...umm ...this time with their clothes on. What do you suppose would be the very first thing they would say to each other? "Well", you may say, "It depends!" Of course, they may say most anything. Yet, it is not too hard to imagine them saying to each other, "Do you want to fight?" Why is that? What is going on with us to cause so much conflict between us?

Let's establish our first premise.

Our premise is this: in all relationships of two or more people, we prefer there is no conflict. Nobody with a sane mind prefers conflict to harmony.

We all prefer things to go smoothly in our relationships. It does not matter whom the relationship is with; we prefer harmony. We prefer our relationships be beneficial to both parties involved. It does not matter who the person is; we prefer there is no conflict in the relationship. It may be a two-minute relationship with a sales clerk in a store; we still do not want conflict. It may be a lifetime relationship with friends, family or loved ones; we certain do not want to have conflict with anyone.

Now, if premise number one is true, that no sane person desires conflict. (You might want to be sitting down as you read this.) Then let us establish our second premise.

Our second premise is this: since we all know we have the power to choose; since we all have a free will; since we all have had conflict in our lives; and since we all did at least something to choose the conflict; then we are "all" insane!

Ouch! You don't like the sound of that either?

Well, thanks to Merriam-Webster's dictionary, we can shed a little light on what "insane" actually means. They have a list of synonyms. Synonyms are words that are similar in meaning.

Here is the complete list: bananas, batty, bedlamite, bonkers, brainsick, buggy, bughouse, bugs, crackbrained, cracked, crackers, cracky, cranky, crazed, crazy, cuckoo, daffy, daft, demented, deranged, disordered, distraught, fruity, loco, looney, lunatic, mad, maniac, mental, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts, nutsy, nutty, reasonless, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsane, unsound, wacky, witless, and last but not the least ...just plain old wrong!

Now be honest. The last time you were in a conflict, which one of those items on the list was your affliction? Were you wacky? Were you witless? Were you mad? Perhaps like me, you scored a perfect 100 on all of the above. Perhaps you would at least be willing to admit that you were just plain wrong!

You understand; at least, would you be willing to admit there is the outside chance you did something that was wrong? Perhaps you are not even sure what it is you did wrong. All you knew is that all of the sudden you were involved in a conflict, and you have no idea where the conflict came from.

Conflicts come in all shapes and sizes. My Grandfather held his fork in his left hand, upside down. He was right handed. We all thought he was wrong for doing it. Nobody bothered to ask him about it. It wasn't until many years after his death we found out Grandpa was not wrong; he was from Denmark. That is how they hold their forks in Denmark.

So, what was the conflict? It was the fact nobody bothered to ask Grandpa why he held his fork upside down in his left hand. We just thought Grandpa had bad manners. You could say it was a small conflict. The rest of us were wrong for simply not being more open with Grandpa and asking him about it. I am sure he would have been glad to tell us why.

Other conflicts are much bigger. On Thanksgiving Day, 2004, a family gathered for the traditional turkey dinner. According to the Associated Press, "A man was charged with stabbing two relatives who allegedly criticized his table manners during Thanksgiving dinner."

Apparently, Uncle Frank was unhappy his nephew and brother-in-law criticized him for picking at the turkey with his fingers instead of a knife. Now the Police charged him with assault with attempt to murder. That is what you would call a serious family conflict!

Solving Conflicts is going to take you on a learning adventure. Sometimes, it seems as though many of us are clueless when it comes to understanding the nature of conflict. We don't see it coming. We don't see what we are doing to start it. If we do not know that we are doing something to start it, then how could we possibly find a way to stop it? Moreover, we seldom, if ever, have the ability to predict when the other person is going to start a conflict with us.

This adventure is one where you will learn more about your own character strengths in ways you never thought were possible. It is also one of learning how to spot the character of other people and how to communicate with them about it in productive, non-offensive ways.

In this adventure, you will learn a brand new language. That language is the Language of Character. It is an easy language to learn. Anyone can learn it. The first two phases are "genuine strengths " and "counterfeit strengths ".

You will learn a lot about the difference between genuine character strengths and counterfeit character strengths. Both are dominant character strengths. As your proceed through the material, you will learn how important it is to see the difference between the two. You will learn more about the effective use of genuine character strengths.

You will also learn how genuine character strengths change into counterfeit character strengths. Our dominant counterfeit character strengths are at the very root of our conflicts. The better you become at understanding the genuine character strengths, the easier it will be for you to spot the counterfeits.

The more you avoid the counterfeits in your own life, the more you will avoid being the source of conflict to other people. Learning about your own self is the first thing you will accomplish. Once you accomplish that, you will be better prepared to be helpful to other willing people who desire to improve.

So are we suggesting that your life will be conflict free?
By no means!
We are suggesting:

• That awareness of your own character strengths will prepare you to make better choices ...one good choice at a time!

• That learning the language of character will prepare you to address others in helpful ways.

• That you will learn how to spot people's positive character potential based on the counterfeit qualities they are using.

• That you will learn which character strengths you may want to either avoid or pursue in your relationships.

• That you will learn which of your own character strengths are best to avoid when you are short of temper.

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